Modem Mayhem and Other Things: #Project30Days

Dear Readers,

I’ve got some awesome things to tell you before I crash. well, okay… so I have two really awesome things to tell you. Hey, who said I have to be accurate with my numbers? I never was very good at math…

Anyway, first thing’s first. As this post is part of a Project 30 Days post, I thought I’d write about my quote for today, before everything else. That way the Project 30 Days community can get right to business and check that I’m actually living up to what I’d hoped to do.

So, here’s my quote for today:

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”
~Marianne Williamson, A Return to Love: Reflections on the Principles of “A Course in Miracles,” 1992 (commonly misattributed to Nelson Mandela, 1994 inauguration speech)

In my opinion, this quote doesn’t need a lot of explanation. The only thought that goes through my mind when I see this is a resounding, forehead slapping “Der!” I read that quote, and all I can think of is how right it is. Naturally, we really shouldn’t puff ourselves up, but in the same token, we need to be careful about letting ourselves get to deflated. I say “We” when I guess really I mean “I.”

I’ve a feeling that I’ll run into more and more thoughts about this quote as time goes by. Right now, there’s not a lot that needs be said, other than “Holy crap how did I forget about this?” This quote will definitely serve as a good, stern reminder for me. I tend to need those more often than I prefer to admit, come to think of it. Definitely glad I found that one.

So then, today was interesting in that it was finally time to quit putting off the modem setup process. Dad and I have both been putting it off since we got the thing on the twenty-seventh of last month. Dad (Hi Dad) kept saying he just didn’t want to, and I kept avoiding it and celebrating every time another day went by that we didn’t have to deal with it.

Well, today was the day we got off our asses and decided to install it. Actually, I don’t really remember how it came up. My brain is a bit mushy after everything’s been said and done. The point is that today was the Big Day.

I stressed through every step of the process, and I think I drove Dad a bit mad with reminding him to wait on certain things, just to be safe. I was terribly afraid that we’d get just about finished only to find out something had gone wrong. Or, worse yet, everything would look fine, work properly on one computer, but not on another.

From a previous post, yesterday’s in fact, I was freaking over the “what ifs” instead of the “what is” bits. I huffed and puffed and stressed and worried and rung my hands to death through the entire process, watching to make sure everything went smoothly… and nothing has gone up in flames!

So far, not even an hour into the new internet setup, we seem to be doing quite well for ourselves. We still need to test to see if the TV works all right, though. that part is making me a little nervous, honestly. It’s kinda stupid to worry, because I won’t know really how to fix it if the TV doesn’t work. If all the computers we’ve got are working, why wouldn’t the TV be happy with the setup? I’ll probably have to go through the whole channel finding process again. I think I need to do some more research, honestly, if the TV goes roar.

I’m starting to not make sense, I think. Sorry for the confusion, guys. I guess what I’m trying to say is that I’m still nervous about whether or not the TV’s gonna work with this new setup. Everything else seems to be doing fine, though. I was able to watch Youtube without any stuttering. I haven’t tested a purely audio stream yet, but I figured that video was more taxing on the bandwidth than audio, so part of me doesn’t feel the need at present.

This whole modem thing was interesting because it was one of those times where I worried far too much. Yet, I was able to apply the whole “step away” concept when things were beyond my control. For instance, during the waiting times, where we had to wait for things to activate themselves and stuff like that, the suspense was driving me crazy. I was stupidly afraid that we’d get an error somewhere, and that I wouldn’t know how to fix it. I really, really hate not knowing how to fix things!

Still, as always, I found out I worried too much for no real reason. The plus here is that I was able to recognize this and think my way through my anxieties and focus on what was going on at the moment–something Da’s been trying to teach me how to do for a while now. He’s always said that when you’re having anxiety, focus on the now, and not anything else. I never have been able to do that very well in those cases. Today just so happened to be a day where I could actually apply the theory. It wasn’t easy, but it sure worked like a charm.

On another random note, I introduced Da to this blog today. I’ve been kinda mentioning it to him every so often that he should just visit when he’s bored. So, those little things like Hi Dad and stuff like that are to see if he catches them. So Dad, if you’re reading this, you should tell me about it, because you can, and because it’s fun hearing about such things.

So, with our internet all set up and apparently working how it’s supposed to, I think I’m going to close for the time being. I’m a little disappointed at how this post came out, but my brains are a little scrambled, so I guess I have a bit of an excuse. Perhaps the next one will be better.

Take care, guys, and thanks for checking in.

Most Sincerely,

Bobbi

My Merry May: #Project30Days

Dear Readers,

I’ve thought over if I was going to attempt another Project 30 Days, and have decided I’ll have a go. This month is to try to find inspiring quotes relating to and about confidence. I figured I’d look for one each morning, think about it throughout my daily routine, and give you an update on it at night, before sleeping. Hopefully I’ll be able to think of more innovative post titles for this project than for the last one!

Anyway, I’ve found this really great website that has a whole bunch of quotes about different topics, and today’s quote comes from that website. Take a look at the following:

“Every day we slaughter our finest impulses. That is why we get a heart-ache when we read those lines written by the hand of a master and recognize them as our own, as the tender shoots which we stifled because we lacked the faith to believe in our own powers, our own criterion of truth and beauty. Every man, when he gets quiet, when he becomes desperately honest with himself, is capable of uttering profound truths. We all derive from the same source. There is no mystery about the origin of things. We are all part of creation, all kings, all poets, all musicians; we have only to open up, to discover what is already there.”
~Henry Miller, Sexus

Now, I know this is a long one, and a lot to take in at first. I had to read it a couple of times before grasping the entire meaning. Here are my personal views on this particular piece of text.

First, focus on the first statement. Every day, we slaughter our own impulses. To me, this was completely self-explanatory. I took it to mean that we are our own worst critics. We’re always saying negative things about our particular desires to do good, or strive for progress. If, for instance, I have a desire to become a concert flutist and perform around the world, chances are the first thing I’m going to say to myself is, “Yeah right.” Those two little words, that one tiny thought, is a direct hit on that impulse. Add those little things up–I don’t have the money, I’m afraid to travel, I can’t play well enough, I don’t have the endurance, I’ll never be as good as my role models–every one of those ideas is like shooting a tiny arrow into that impulse. Enough arrows, and that impulse will fade away, and you will lose the desire, as well as the motivation. In short, I’ve got to lighten up on the pessimism when venturing into uncharted territory.

Now, the second statement is longer, and a little more complex. This one simply says that the result of slaughtered impulses is how we look on other people’s works, particularly those we admire. Sometimes, I’ll admit, I feel rather envious of those flutists who are younger than I, who have made it into a highly acclaimed orchestra, or even those who are older–I wonder why I haven’t lived up to that kind of excellence yet. It makes me wonder what on earth I’ve missed, and then I realize that in many cases, my lack of self confidence and faith in my own abilities has held me back. In short, it’s our own self doubt that is preventing us from getting further up the ladder, and we tend to recognize this fact most keenly when seeing other people walk right past us in the line of progression.

The third statement is also simple. Every man is capable of uttering the most profound truths. All he has to do is become quiet. Get rid of all the noise of “what if,” and seek for “what is” instead. Once you know where you are, what you are, then you can run with it, with confidence. When you become honest with yourself and accept who you truly are, it’s then that you can allow yourself to truly shine how you were meant to shine.

The fourth and fifth statements in this quote are thankfully short, and very simple. They say we all come from the same source, the same block of wood, so to speak. The author labels The Source as Creation. To me, this relates to God, and as a result, we all have a part of him there inside of us. You, readers, can label The Source how you most see fit. From my point of view, though, I consider the source to be God and associated crew. With me so far? Hope so, cuz here comes the best part!

The last statement is, I think, the longest, and yet the most revealing of the entire quote. After saying that we come from Creation, it reiterates all the kinds of people there are in this world. Kings (people of power), poets (writing in general), musicians (art in general) are all part of the same block of wood. All we have to do to find that talent, that ability to shine, that perfect self confidence, is to open up and discover what is already there.

So, those of you who tell yourself and other people that you have no real talent, think again. It might not be music, or poetry, or art, but who says those are the only things in which people can be talented in? What about those who know how to hold good conversation? What about the talent to defuse a tense situation? What about the talent of making people think about and refine their own belief systems?

Honestly, with that quote in mind, there’s really no reason for such talk. So, guess I have to scratch those kinds of statements off my list! Time for me to quit stifling the tender shoots and start having faith in my own criterion of truth and beauty.

And with that, I close. See you on the other side of morning!

Most Sincerely,

Bobbi

Day 30: #Project30Days

Dear Readers,

Well, today’s the last day of the month and also my Project 30 Days challenge. Personally, I consider I’ve had quite the success with this. I set a goal to blog every day as much as circumstances allowed for it, and if I missed a day, I’d post twice to make up for it. In short, I thought to set a goal for thirty posts for thirty days. This just so happens to be the thirtieth post.

There have been a few days where I wasn’t able to think of anything amazingly profound or even interesting, but I blogged anyway. The times I slept before or forgot to write a post, I was sure to blog as soon as I could about the day before, and then write later that same day about my most current ideas. Throughout all of this venture, I’ve learned one major thing I need to work on, and that is coming to proper terms with my perfectionist nature. You can read more about my plans for that in previous posts.

Another thing I learned is that while I may not be receiving loads of comments on these posts, people are still reading them. There was a time where I thought more comments meant more readers. Come to find out, that isn’t necessarily true. I’ve had very few comments, but I’ve had more readers than I ever expected to get. To those of you who lurk and never want to show your faces, it would be really neat to know who you are. For those who have told me that you’re keeping up with these posts in some manner, thank you very much for your support and genuine interest. Even to the so-called lurkers, I say thank you for reading, even though you don’t tell me about it. You don’t always need to make a lot of noise to get noticed in the crowd–sometimes all it takes is to sit back in a corner and let everybody draw to you instead.

So, guess what happened today? Well, about an hour or so ago, give or take a bit, Da comes home from work and knocks on my bedroom door. He says, “I’m going to get the guitar.” (He had it sent into a local music shop to get it fixed last Friday.) There was a pause, during which I acknowledged this. The next thing he said was, “So, you want a couple of those whistles we were looking at the other day?”

Inwardly, I winced, because he’d already paid for my headphones, as mentioned in an earlier post. Given that he said he wanted to pay for those whistles, I shook off the feeling of guilt and simply said, “Yeah. I’ll take the nickel one in B flat, and a brass one in C.” It felt really weird, but it was good for me. I really, really have a hard time letting other people pay for stuff I’m wanting.

Come to think of it, I have a hard time letting people do just about anything for me, unless it’s really downright obvious that I can’t do it on my own–and by that I mean obvious to myself. Letting people open doors for me, buy me drinks, carry things, pull out chairs, paying for meals out, etc. There’s something in the back of my mind that tells me that I’m the one that needs to be responsible for myself, not everybody else needs to be responsible for me. On the other hand, there are cases where I need to let others do those kinds of things. Otherwise I’m being insulting! That is a little perplexing at times, honestly, but I get through it all right. something to work on, I suppose. Don’t cringe when somebody offers you things you know you could use. Or rather, don’t cringe so much. I need to find the balance between courteously taking what is offered to me and looking like a jerk for taking everything that anyone offers just because I can.

I half wonder if this stems from my lack of self confidence. It’s like, if I take responsibility for the things I want, I’m the one to blame for if something goes wrong, and that won’t be put on anyone else’s head. Kinda funny, when I think about it. I really think I go a little overboard sometimes! Yep, definitely need to find that balance somewhere.

So, I think, over the next little while, I’ll blog more regularly about the little things I’ve managed to do that normally I’d have a hard time with. It all starts with the small things, right?

In summary, I feel really, really good about the things that have transpired during the past month. It’s not just that, though. It’s the fact that I know where to start next month, as well. Given my birthday is not even a week and a half into May, I feel I can safely say that I’m going to start off my twenty-sixth year with a very bright outlook. Oh, and I got two new Generation (yes I know they look like Christmas toys) whistles to boot. I’m just about to head off to properly break them in.

So, I will close here for the time being. While I may not blog every single day as I have in the past, you can rest assured that I will keep more regular updates as to the happenings in my life. It seems to help me order my thoughts a little better, and better record the memories and ideas I will later be glad I kept. Like the careful preservation of a photograph, I’ll be able to look back on these words and treasure the memories from which they were written.

Thanks guys, for sticking with me throughout these thirty days. Thanks to those of you who have read from the beginning, in spite of my irregular updates. May you continue to find good things here. Think I can live up to it? I certainly will try!

Best of luck!

Most Sincerely,

Bobbi