Day 30: #Project30Days

Dear Readers,

Well, today’s the last day of the month and also my Project 30 Days challenge. Personally, I consider I’ve had quite the success with this. I set a goal to blog every day as much as circumstances allowed for it, and if I missed a day, I’d post twice to make up for it. In short, I thought to set a goal for thirty posts for thirty days. This just so happens to be the thirtieth post.

There have been a few days where I wasn’t able to think of anything amazingly profound or even interesting, but I blogged anyway. The times I slept before or forgot to write a post, I was sure to blog as soon as I could about the day before, and then write later that same day about my most current ideas. Throughout all of this venture, I’ve learned one major thing I need to work on, and that is coming to proper terms with my perfectionist nature. You can read more about my plans for that in previous posts.

Another thing I learned is that while I may not be receiving loads of comments on these posts, people are still reading them. There was a time where I thought more comments meant more readers. Come to find out, that isn’t necessarily true. I’ve had very few comments, but I’ve had more readers than I ever expected to get. To those of you who lurk and never want to show your faces, it would be really neat to know who you are. For those who have told me that you’re keeping up with these posts in some manner, thank you very much for your support and genuine interest. Even to the so-called lurkers, I say thank you for reading, even though you don’t tell me about it. You don’t always need to make a lot of noise to get noticed in the crowd–sometimes all it takes is to sit back in a corner and let everybody draw to you instead.

So, guess what happened today? Well, about an hour or so ago, give or take a bit, Da comes home from work and knocks on my bedroom door. He says, “I’m going to get the guitar.” (He had it sent into a local music shop to get it fixed last Friday.) There was a pause, during which I acknowledged this. The next thing he said was, “So, you want a couple of those whistles we were looking at the other day?”

Inwardly, I winced, because he’d already paid for my headphones, as mentioned in an earlier post. Given that he said he wanted to pay for those whistles, I shook off the feeling of guilt and simply said, “Yeah. I’ll take the nickel one in B flat, and a brass one in C.” It felt really weird, but it was good for me. I really, really have a hard time letting other people pay for stuff I’m wanting.

Come to think of it, I have a hard time letting people do just about anything for me, unless it’s really downright obvious that I can’t do it on my own–and by that I mean obvious to myself. Letting people open doors for me, buy me drinks, carry things, pull out chairs, paying for meals out, etc. There’s something in the back of my mind that tells me that I’m the one that needs to be responsible for myself, not everybody else needs to be responsible for me. On the other hand, there are cases where I need to let others do those kinds of things. Otherwise I’m being insulting! That is a little perplexing at times, honestly, but I get through it all right. something to work on, I suppose. Don’t cringe when somebody offers you things you know you could use. Or rather, don’t cringe so much. I need to find the balance between courteously taking what is offered to me and looking like a jerk for taking everything that anyone offers just because I can.

I half wonder if this stems from my lack of self confidence. It’s like, if I take responsibility for the things I want, I’m the one to blame for if something goes wrong, and that won’t be put on anyone else’s head. Kinda funny, when I think about it. I really think I go a little overboard sometimes! Yep, definitely need to find that balance somewhere.

So, I think, over the next little while, I’ll blog more regularly about the little things I’ve managed to do that normally I’d have a hard time with. It all starts with the small things, right?

In summary, I feel really, really good about the things that have transpired during the past month. It’s not just that, though. It’s the fact that I know where to start next month, as well. Given my birthday is not even a week and a half into May, I feel I can safely say that I’m going to start off my twenty-sixth year with a very bright outlook. Oh, and I got two new Generation (yes I know they look like Christmas toys) whistles to boot. I’m just about to head off to properly break them in.

So, I will close here for the time being. While I may not blog every single day as I have in the past, you can rest assured that I will keep more regular updates as to the happenings in my life. It seems to help me order my thoughts a little better, and better record the memories and ideas I will later be glad I kept. Like the careful preservation of a photograph, I’ll be able to look back on these words and treasure the memories from which they were written.

Thanks guys, for sticking with me throughout these thirty days. Thanks to those of you who have read from the beginning, in spite of my irregular updates. May you continue to find good things here. Think I can live up to it? I certainly will try!

Best of luck!

Most Sincerely,

Bobbi

Day 29: #Project30Days

Dear Readers,
Yes, I know we’re into the thirtieth day already. Part of this Project30Days thing is learning that one doesn’t have to be absolutely rigid in sticking to whatever is being worked on. Honestly I would have written yesterday had I not crashed at an indecent time and slept straight through till this hour, which happens to be just about half past six in the morning. I’ll write a later post later today, so that I can insure I get an entire thirty posts in before the month is over. After all, it was my goal to blog every day. This means thirty posts in thirty days. If something comes up to where I miss a post, I make up for it by writing again that same day, or something similar.

A couple weeks ago, after a dream that affected me rather abnormally, I ended up talking to Da about how much of a perfectionist I am… or rather try to be. I’m so afraid of making mistakes that I don’t trust my own judgement in a lot of things that I’m perfectly capable of accomplishing according to other people’s (and sometimes my own) logic. This renders me unconfident (blame the spell checker for that one) to such a degree that I hold back on trying new things and making big changes. Even the things I know will be good for me, I have a hard time beginning the processes that will bring those changes about, because I’m afraid I’ll do something wrong and disappoint somebody along the way, whether it be myself or someone else.

Hmm, I’ve basically repeated myself from an earlier post. I’m getting a feeling of déjà vu here. Anyway, my point is that just because I end up writing a post a little later than normal, it doesn’t mean that I’ve failed at my task, so long as I recognize the fact and attempt to fix it later on. In cases where things can’t be fixed, which is often the way for many of life’s situations if you make a wrong move somewhere, the object is to learn from your mistakes, not kill yourself over the fact that you made one and failed to meet expectations (which are most likely your own as often as not.)

Over the past month, while writing these posts, I’ve learned, quite obviously by this and another entry, what my biggest weakness is. Actually, that’s not quite true. I’ve known I’ve had confidence issues for as long as I could remember. My problem is that I’ve never come to terms with that doubt or learned how to fix it. Fixing this won’t be easy at all, by any means. It’ll mean going out of my comfort zone in many cases, and we all know how keen I am for that… Haha. It will mean trying new things and ideas despite my fears, and getting through them. I’ve learned that stepping back helps in these cases, when feeling overwhelmed. Stepping back and looking what has been done, taking a breath and realizing not what’s left necessarily, but how to take on what’s left in little bits at a time.

With time, probably a lot more time than I’m willing to admit at the present stage, I’ll be able to establish true self-confidence in everything, and not just certain areas where I know I naturally will succeed. I’ve noticed I tend to avoid things I feel I’ll fail at. This includes things I don’t know how to do, or am learning how to do, I’ll avoid trying to do them until somebody gives me a reminder and pushes me forward a little.

That someone eventually needs to be myself. In time, I’d like to be able to try new ideas without feeling any uncertainty. As we all know this is highly impossible, given human nature, I’m going to have to learn to keep reminding myself how to get through those uncertainties, and to look past them to what lies beyond. It’s probably going to be frightening as hell at first, in some situations, but who says I have to start huge? As with anything, I’ll need to start working on this thing one little bit at a time.

I think, to start, I’ll begin by excepting that while I haven’t done absolutely perfectly in keeping to posting every single day, I’ve at least, or will by the end of today, have managed to get a post in for each day. Yes, thirty posts for thirty days, in spite of the fact that I may have posted some a little later than others. One little bit at a time, right?

Next step, to not be so prone to feeling like I’ve done something wrong when somebody is merely making an observation. If someone makes an observation and says whatever it is they’re seeing is wrong, I’ll wait for them to tell me so, in a direct, constructive manner, before making the assumption right off the bat.

I’d make a summary as to this whole Project 30 Days thing here in this entry, but I think I’ll save that one for my last post of the month, which hopefully, given everything goes well, will be written later this evening. For the moment, however, I think I shall close this post and reply to a couple of Emails I neglected to reply to last night.

Only one more post left! I’ll write hopefully later today. Best of luck today, guys. Or, if your day’s pretty much finished, sleep well when you do sleep.

Most Sincerely,

Bobbi

Day 28: #Project30Days

Dear Readers,

It is currently stupid o’clock and I realized I’d not written my blog post for day twenty-seven yet. So, here I am, doing just that before I try to attempt sleep again.

Honestly, it’s kinda funny how often my intuition is right about things. Far too many times than I can count, I’ve done, said, bought or avoided something solely based on what most would call “my gut feeling.” No, to the more cynical people around here, it’s not what you’re thinking. You can stop that right now, I say. Anyway, those times I’ve obeyed that intuition, it turns out that the intuition was right the majority of the time.

For example, I was getting into the fifth generation iDevice craze, and eventually wanted to buy one. At first, it was clear that my desire to have one of these fancy little things was not intuition. I was hearing everyone talk about how shiny the new devices were, how many things it enabled one to do on the go, how many great apps were out there, etc. As with cases where only desire is involved, the desire goes away after a certain amount of time, leaving me resigned to and strangely satisfied by the fact that I didn’t need whatever it was I wanted in the first place. In these cases, my intuition was what told me to keep waiting on buying, do the research, see what happens, etc.

The first sign for me to pay attention to was the fact that the desire for an iDevice was not going away. In fact it was getting to the point where it was all I was thinking about. I’d spend my spare time reading the iPod and iPhones manuals, see about getting it cheaper than what Apple was selling it for, re-reading the manuals, and when I slept, it was all I dreamt about. It was getting to be obnoxious.

For I don’t know how long, I kept on doing these things. Researching, reading, learning all about the device, until it came to a point where I just felt like I was going to buy it. There was, of course, that desire mixed in, but there was a stronger, more solid feeling that if I were to buy this thing, I’d really be benefitting a lot from it, and that it wouldn’t be an impulsive buy which would leave me $300.00 short and with no desire to use it.

I pondered this for another span of time, and eventually bought it in December with the help of some Christmas money I’d received, and boy am I glad I did! The decision to buy was a kind of click in my brain, like a switched had been flipped. Once that switch was flipped, it was like I knew without a doubt that this was a good decision on which to spend my money. To this day, I use my iPod at least once a day. I get Emails pushed to me, I get Twitter pushed to me, I use Skype, I listen to music when out and about, I have alarms set on it to remind me of certain things I have to do, etc. It even provides the occasional entertaining little game once in a while. It’s very apparent that my intuition was correct in this case.

Another time, I was struck with the desire to buy a particular Irish whistle I was hoping to get. It was the same process. I pondered about it, dreamt about it, researched prices, looked for opportunities to audition it, etc. After a while, the desire having not gone away, I thought all right, I’ll buy this. Something didn’t quite feel right about it, though. Honestly I can’t describe the feeling… it was just that I felt like I should wait till my financial situation was a little better. I could indeed afford it at the time, but the money left over gave me the feeling that I would be cutting things a little close for that month’s budget. So, I waited, and saved, and eventually the desire eased off a little bit. It was at that point that something came up within the family that I needed to give some financial assistance for. Again, my intuition was correct by telling me to wait.

It doesn’t help me with just buying things, though. I’ve come across several situations with family and friends where I felt I should either avoid or follow through with a certain situation that, had I not followed my intuition, I’d be feeling a lot worse off, if that makes any sense.

Well, this weekend was interesting. A couple of weeks ago I signed up for an internet radio stations third year anniversary festivities. My initial feeling was that signing up wasn’t going to get me anywhere in terms of winning the cash that the station was giving out. I ignored the feeling though and associated it to skepticism and over reaction. So, I signed up, and listened as much as I could throughout the weekend, entering as many times as I could during that time. The end result was that I didn’t with the money, and that the weekend had been somewhat of a waste of time. Were it not for that couple of people I’d gotten introduced to, it would have been a total waste of time, for sure, because of my reasons for signing up for the party.

My intuition, my very first intuitive feeling of “this is silly and a waste of time” was correct, but I chose to ignore it. has a result, I got excited over the weekend for no reason but for a couple of virtual drinks and a whole lot of skimming through tweets that weren’t related to me at all. A bit of a bummer, but I did meet a couple cool people, so it wasn’t all bad. I just could have avoided the disappointment had I followed my intuition.

So, today’s lesson is simple. You may very well have good intuition. In that case, provided you make sure not to mistake your gut feelings for mere desire or act on your desire thinking it is a gut feeling, you’ll end up a lot better off in life. Even the things you’re left disappointed with by having to wait or avoid something; chances are if you know it’s better for you to do so on a primal, indescribably solid level, that feeling is correct. You don’t want to get yourself into trouble by not following that tiny inner voice. Just make sure your desires don’t talk over that inner voice, or you might end up in more trouble than it’s worth.

Now, I’m off again to attempt a little sleep. It’s stupidly hot in this room right now, so I should open a window. The problem is that the highway is fairly close to us, and obnoxiously noisy. My brain associates traffic sounds with daytime, and I swear it activates whatever it is that dictates when you sleep or not. I hear traffic and my instinct is to realize that it’s just about time for me to get up, if not that time already, and things break rather tremendously.

So, what I’m gonna do is go grab a drink first. No, wait. First I’ll close and send this. Then I’ll go get a drink. After that, I’ll attempt to get some more sleep.

Personally, I’m not surprised my schedule is the way it is. I crashed stupidly early. Not sure what time, but it was early enough that I should have known better. I was really tired, though, and couldn’t fight it. Ah well, such is life.

So, now I’m really off. Take care guys, and I’ll write again later today.

Most Sincerely,

Bobbi